Most of us will find ourselves in situations with a friend or family member that leaves us speechless. Literally, we don’t know what to say or do. Why do we feel this way? Usually, it is because we are embarrassed, feel guilt or shame, or even anger. Simply, we are unsure of how to respond.

Think about what you would do or say if you found out your sibling was unable to have children?

What if your grandfather had a stroke and you suddenly became his sole primary caretaker?

What if you found out your significant other was sold into sex slavery as a child and finally escaped for good just 2 years ago?

Even if you have never had to face these exact situations, you can appreciate how difficult responding in the moment might be. For example, if we take the issue of infertility. Most folks will offer “I’m so sorry for you” or “You can always adopt.” What about a family health crisis, we might say, “It will get better” or “You will be alright” or “God will heal” Granted, all these things may be true however are usually not helpful in the moment.

Sometimes a silent presence is more helpful. Simply showing up and holding a hand or rubbing a back and letting the person grieve is supportive. Allowing the person to say whatever they want about their feelings about the situation without recommendations, judgement, or offering we may think is ‘supportive language.’ What we think is helpful, may be more damaging.

Think about a time when you or someone was going through a tough time. What did most folks say with the intention of helping? Was it helpful? What would have been more helpful?

Next time you face a situation where you feel speechless or at a loss for how to support someone, let the other person lead the way forward. It is okay to not know what to say. It is better than saying the wrong thing.